this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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