is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
