even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dicks are not precious.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
