I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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