So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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