Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
