Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
