whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize