she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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