They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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