my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
