You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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