you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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