it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
