between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
