can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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