When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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