She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I know her cup size but not her name....
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
