Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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