You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
