Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
