i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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