I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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