I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
