i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
