No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
