Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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