I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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