He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
