Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize