If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
