she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Never joke about your clitoris.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
