Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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