There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
