ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
