if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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