Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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