So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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