Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
