walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I AM VODKA MAN
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
