Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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