our cab driver is having phone sex.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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