Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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