Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
