Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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