Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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