Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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