You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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