I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
