I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
