i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
