I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
