I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
