Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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