Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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