i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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